Explaining Australia to British Goblins: A Humorous Introduction
Lecturer in Antipodean Confusion, Distance Misjudgement, and Applied Kangaroo Awareness, in a decidedly uphill battle.
The following is an official transcript from a Fact Goblin staff education session titled:
Australia: A Basic Introduction for British Goblins Who Have Questions, Concerns, and a Packed Lunch
The lesson was created to educate Fact Goblins a little bit more about Australia, following several internal reports in which staff described it as “hot Britain,” “large Wales,” and “that place where the animals have become overconfident.”
Instructor: Good morning, everyone. Today we will be learning about Australia.
British Goblin 1: Is it near France?
Instructor: No.
British Goblin 1: Is it beyond France?
Instructor: Very much beyond France.
British Goblin 2: Then why are we learning about it? That seems administratively distant.
Instructor: Because Australia is important, fascinating, and full of facts.
British Goblin 3: Are the facts venomous?
Instructor: Some of them, yes.
Instructor: First, Australia is very large.
British Goblin 2: Larger than Yorkshire?
Instructor: Considerably.
British Goblin 2: That seems unnecessary.
Instructor: It is also very sunny.
British Goblin 1: On purpose?
Instructor: Yes. Often for several days at a time.
British Goblin 3: Without rain in between?
Instructor: Sometimes.
British Goblin 3: Barbaric.
Instructor: Australia has many famous animals, including kangaroos, koalas, crocodiles, and spiders.
British Goblin 1: Koalas are bears, yes?
Instructor: No. Koalas are not bears.
British Goblin 1: But they look like bears.
Instructor: That is part of the confusion.
British Goblin 2: Are kangaroos polite?
Instructor: Not always.
British Goblin 2: Do they queue?
Instructor: Rarely.
British Goblin 3: I am beginning to understand the problem.
Instructor: Australians often shorten words. Afternoon becomes “arvo.” Breakfast becomes “brekky.” Barbecue becomes “barbie.”
British Goblin 1: They cook dolls?
Instructor: No.
British Goblin 1: Then why say barbie?
Instructor: Efficiency.
British Goblin 2: In Britain we once spent forty minutes deciding whether a meeting should have a pre-meeting.
Instructor: Yes. Australia has taken a different path.
Instructor: Australians may also call you “mate” even if they have just met you.
British Goblin 3: Without references?
Instructor: Yes.
British Goblin 3: Without a probationary biscuit period?
Instructor: Yes.
British Goblin 3: Astonishing.
Instructor: Finally, distances in Australia are different. A “short drive” may take several hours.
British Goblin 2: Several hours? That is not a drive. That is a lifestyle.
Instructor: Correct.
British Goblin 1: Is there tea at the end?
Instructor: Usually, yes. Or coffee. Or a pie.
British Goblin 1: I withdraw my objection.
Instructor: To summarise, Australia is large, sunny, friendly, dangerous in small specific ways, and very far away.
British Goblin 3: So it is not hot Britain?
Instructor: No.
British Goblin 2: Large Wales?
Instructor: No.
British Goblin 1: France with spiders?
Instructor: Absolutely not.
British Goblin 3: Then what is it?
Instructor: Australia.
British Goblin 2: That explains almost nothing.
Instructor: Correct. This concludes the lesson.
